Is My Playmate Cheating on Me? Seven Crimson Flags

There’s something a little "off" in the way your playmate has been acting lately. You’re commencing to wonder if they’re cheating on you.

There are some clues, but you’re not sure if they mean what you suspect they mean. They’re spending less time at home, have become a unexpected workaholic, are taking their phone calls in private or aren’t sharing as much about their day with you as they used to. When you question them about why they’re being so secretive and distant, they snap back at you, usually with a logical explanation. "I’ve got a special project at work." Or they accuse you of snooping, being paranoid or not trusting enough. They make you feel guilty for even bringing it up.

While it may be demonstrable from some of their behavior that they’re hiding something, some switches aren’t so visible. Perhaps they give you an odd glance or there’s something cold in their eyes that doesn’t fairly feel right to you. When you ask what’s wrong, you may get a shrug or a defensive, "Nothing! Get off my back already."

You may begin to wonder if you’re going crazy or just being paranoid for no reason.

Here’s what I know from my professional practice as a relationship therapist: If you’re suspecting that your fucking partner may be hiding something, if a drowning feeling in your gut is telling you "something’s off," then it’s absolutely time to pay attention. Your intuition is sounding an alarm.

Here’s a quick checklist of cheating crimson flags from my book, Talking or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship that can help you determine if the subtle (or not-so-subtle) shifts in your fucking partner’s behavior may be signs that they’re cheating:

Crimson Flag #1 They’re all of a sudden more aloof, withdrawn or want more "space."

Overall, you’re noticing less closeness, sharing, talking and self-disclosures going on. Your fucking partner may seem zoned out, lost in thought or less available to you. They talk in terms of "me" or "I" instead of "we" or "us," as in "The next time I go on vacation, I want to go to Hawaii." And when you lay your concerns on the table, your fucking partner calls you jealous or says you’re imagining things. They might even say you’re "strangling them."

Crimson Flag #Two They’ve lost interest in you, your problems and lovemaking. When you bring up a problem, your fucking partner tells you it’s no big deal or tells you that their problems are worse. They’re not as emotionally supportive. Even when they’re home, you feel a lonely void inbetween you, like there’s no one with whom to share your thoughts or feelings. There’s less affection and passion. When you suggest making time to connect you get back "Not now stunner" or "Maybe later." Even if you are still having regular lovemaking, it may seem like they’re performing a chore rather than making love.

Crimson Flag #Three They get lightly annoyed, defensive or argumentative. When an affair (be it cyber, emotional or physical) has begun, the cheater may want to sugar-coat their guilt and justify the affair. Making you the bad stud helps them feel better. That’s why a cheating fucking partner may attempt to find ways to blame you for their indiscretions. They embark fights, pick on you, shove every button you’ve got and may even accuse you of cheating. Cheaters are good at transferring the guilt onto you — don’t buy into it.

Crimson Flag #Four They’re not instantly available when you call, text or email them. Your fucking partner is spending more and more time away from you, and they’re more difficult to reach. When you attempt calling on their cell phone, you get voicemail. When you ask why they didn’t call or text you back, the response is, "The battery died and I couldn’t use my phone." There are endless excuses about work or other things that limit their availability for making plans with you.

Crimson Flag #Five They’re spending more time online or on their cell phone than with you. If the amount of time they’re spending talking to, texting, emailing or messaging someone else is strongly impacting your time together, there is a problem brewing.

Crimson Flag #6 They’re acting secretive all of a unexpected, especially around the computer or cell phone. Your playmate has Facebook, email and social media accounts that you don’t have access to. When you ask about their online friendships, you get brief, acute, evasive or defensive responses back. Your playmate receives regular texts, emails or sexy photos from a "friend" you weren’t aware of. Abruptly, they’re conducting mysterious calls in the other room and when you ask who called, the reaction is. "No one." "Wrong number." "It’s business." or "Why do you ask?"

Crimson Flag #7 They look, smell, and dress better, but not necessarily around you. They’ve all of a sudden commenced working out. They might have a switch of clothes in the car or in a sports bag that aren’t gym clothes. Your playmate may leave the house smelling like soap and come back smelling like perfume or cologne. They may be buying fresh clothes or underwear, but not wearing them for you. Someone else may be reaping the benefits of your fucking partner’s newfound interest in looking spiffy.

Let’s face it, any of these crimson flags are indicators of behaviors that are suspicious and should thrill your doubts. Even if your playmate is not cheating, but is keeping secrets, withdrawing, lounging, being hurtful or withholding significant communication of any kind, it’s clearly time to heed the crimson flags, take your blinders off and press on to know the truth. Disregarding the clues won’t help the situation because denial just harbors more deceit, mistrust and greater distance inbetween you.

Cheating happens for a diversity of reasons and it usually means there’s something missing in the relationship. When you both honestly address the underlying problems and relationship vulnerabilities that may have lead to cheating, healing can begin.

With truth comes the chance to improve the current condition of your relationship. I’ve counseled numerous couples who have transformed the discovery of an affair into an chance to wake up, clear up the wounds of the past and learn fresh lessons for the future. Love and connection can be resurrected and a healthier relationship rebuilt.

Sheri Meyers, Psy.D is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Talking or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.

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