Help! My Second-Grader Has a Beau!

July 10, 2017 admin_en Leave a comment

Help! My Second-Grader Has a Beau!

Valentine’s Day got you worried about pint-sized love? Our dos and don’ts will help children develop healthy relationships.

Don't Get All "Awww, That's Adorable"

Don't Get All "Awww, That's Lovely"

It’s so tempting when parents see little toddlers holding mitts to say the wrong thing, says Wendi Prescott, the mother of four in Hardin Valley, Tennessee. "I was guilty of this—the preschool parent telling, ‘Oh, look at the little duo.’" When parents say stuff like that it isn’t because they’re thinking about dating, Prescott admits. "The moms are truly just thinking, ‘Look, my kid is liked!’ You don’t realize you’re already setting them up to worry whether a boy or doll likes them, or if they’re ‘popular.’"

By making a big deal of a mixed-gender friendship, it indeed does "become some sort of suggested precursor to valued popularity," says psychologist Sylvia Rimm, author of Growing Up Too Prompt (sylviarimm.com) and director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland. Children won’t think anything of playing with the opposite lovemaking until they hear you telling your friend, "It’s so adorable to see my daughter with a bf," she says.

Do Concentrate on Development, Not Dating

Another downside of this "childhood sweetheart" legend in the making: If you’re super focused on how lovely your 4-year-old is with his "gf," you may miss out on significant details of how your child is actually doing—how he interacts with others, who his friends are (or could be), and his learning style, says Dayton, Ohio-based Montessori teacher Angel Cottom.

Do Talk About Healthy Relationships

Many of us experienced a single awkward (and frequently vague) "lovemaking talk" from our parents. But we now know it’s a good idea to begin talking about relationships and sexiness early and often: "Parents who commence talking to their children in the early years with plain facts can then build on those facts as the years go by and can more lightly treat the complicated issues when the time comes," says Mary Flo Ridley, of Just Say Yes (JustSayYes.org), a national educational organization geared to motivating teenagers to avoid the risks of sexual activity. "You’ll have the credibility to talk to them as they mature if you initiated conversations when they were youthful," she says.

Do Gently Correct Stereotypes

Lots of cultural attitudes about sexiness and gender sneak into our everyday vocabulary and we hardly notice, says Mandi Lawson, a certified holistic doula and mother to Jude, age Five, in Philadelphia. As a single mom, she’s particularly aware of attitudes her son is picking up about his own gender and about women. "It’s so effortless for a preschooler to get into very rigid thinking—thinking that things in his world are supposed to be a certain way, and then getting very fastened to that," she says.

Lawson listens cautiously to what her son says and speaks up, calmly, when she feels the need. "For example, he’ll say, ‘Boys don’t smooch boys,’ or that boys only like a certain color," she says. "I don’t call him down when he says these things, or make him feel like he’s in trouble. But I’ll say, ‘Actually, that is okay,’ or, ‘You know, sometimes a female will wear brown and a boy likes pink.’"

Do Play It Cool

Lisabeth Slate of Salisbury, North Carolina, met her future hubby when she was very youthful, so she understands that crushes at any age can involve strong feelings. "I know that we shouldn’t necessarily dismiss ‘puppy love,’" the mother of three says. Her treatment is to simply listen to her children, a tactic that Amarillo, Texas, family therapist Ron Deal, author of The Wise StepFamily, approves. Avoid the impulse to talk about "how guys are" or ask for constant progress reports, he says. "You don’t have to discourage or encourage the crush. It’s enough to just let the child know it’s okay."

Don't Stand for Trash Talk

It starts out all in good joy—"Damsels Rule, Boys Drool" and other catchy girls-versus-boys phrases—but those sweeping statements about either gender commence chipping away at your child’s attitudes without your even noticing. Discourage the insults and instead help your child see members of the opposite gender as valuable individuals, not just part of a mocked group.

Do Be the Joy House

Whether you like it or not, your child may commence thinking about "going with" someone a lot earlier than you would wish. If you’ve established your home as a kid-friendly hangout for all genders early on, you’ll be more able to keep an eye on what’s happening and encourage group social activities, says psychologist Sylvia Rimm. "Make it a friendship group rather than a couples group at your house."

Motherboard Mom Lisabeth Slate commenced hosting gender-neutral get-togethers early: "I think having friends of both genders is significant, and I encourage it. It gives kids a much better perspective if they have someone of the opposite lovemaking to share ideas with. It’s significant to have a counterbalance." But don’t wait until the kids are older or they won’t be at ease with each other, she says. "Mixed-gender gatherings should embark when your child very first commences forming friendships."

Do Keep Your Love Life to Yourself

Had a bad relationship? Your children don’t need to hear it. Whether you’re dating, recently divorced, or you just get frustrated with your mate every now and then, it’s not a healthy strategy to make negative comments about fellows in front of your children. You don’t want to bias your daughters against fellows or prejudice your children against relationships, says Sylvia Rimm, the psychologist. You also don’t want to talk to your children as if they’re adults, she says: If you’re having relationship problems, "Mom needs to talk with a counselor or her close adult friends instead of her children."

Do Control the Messages

Parents can’t control everything their children hear and see, but it becomes lighter later if there are family traditions or rules when the kids are youthful, says family therapist Deal. Keep computers and TVs out of kids’ bedrooms and in collective areas, for starters. A child watching television or trolling the Internet by herself is likely to pick up all sorts of messages about relationships and how they "should" be—from wearing guy-magnet garments to making out. But see with your kids and you’ll be astonished how talks about sit-com families can turn into significant conversations about values.

So much of modern technology encourages children to segregate and be consumed by media messages without parental supervision, says Deal. "It’s another part of the superb illness in our culture in parenting, which I call ‘affluenza,’" he says. "Parents give kids too much because they take pride in being able to give." And when they give their youthfull children a cell phone (22 percent ages 6-9 have their own phone; sixty percent ages 10-14 do), they’re moving into a dangerous area, Deal says. "Technology is a marvelous implement, but you need to ask whether this is something the child has the maturity and wisdom to manage himself or herself." Developmentally, for a tween or junior, the response is usually "no," he says.

Motherboard Mom Prescott’s older children do have cell phones, but she is vigilant about checking their text messages, and the phones get transferred over to mom at bedtime.

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